Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Stumped Chumps

The Mastermind-quality questions that the Celebrity Love Islanders had to grapple with on this evening's programme included some real stinkers. Stinker number one was Rebecca Loos who agonised for an age before disinterring from a recess of her mind that World War One had started in 1942. Observant bloggers will remember Becca of Beckham fame whose new scandal is in showing a rather disinterested world a new pair of surgically enhanced boobies paid for by the British tabloid reading public.
"What is the official title of the Queen's husband?" intoned ex-footballer Lee Sharpe trying to sound as if he knew the answer and that the other contestants are a bunch of thickos who have nothing in common with him. They have everything in common with him, they're all drowning under a welter of inanity and none of them knew the answer, and I'd put my house on it that he didn't either. " I know this, I know this", chirped a hopelessly optimistic Abbi Titmus. She didn't know this. She probably still doesn't know this even though she has since been given the answer. "The Prince of England" was her best shot - which had me frowning at my TV so hard I might have put a bullet though it, Elvis-style, had I been packing a revolver. That would have been my best shot. Keep doing the 'tits for sale' telly gigs Abs if you want to keep paying the bills.
"What's the boiling point of water?" expensively educated Lady Isabella Hervey was asked: A nasally "ninety nynnne" was posh Bella's failed effort. She couldn't crack this question of enigma code difficulty, nor could she calculate two x twenty four without examining all her fingers and toes like a self grooming and overly fastidious chimp. Which I suppose was a little more decorous than playgirl Nikki who contented herself as she limbered up for the competition, by showing her own crack - to everyone - by lying on her back with her legs sluttishly raised as she counted - correctly as it happened - the number of mosquito bites she had accrued around her nether regions. But the "Who's the Chancellor of the Exchequer" question gave her the only stump she was getting that night. On hearing the answer "Gordon Brown," Nikki petulantly drawled: "I was going to say that", showing that she can lie as well as lie on her back.

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